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| Top: Grass that grows on every street corner in Perth. Graffiti in the NorthBridge district of Perth. |
Straight to the point.
Last Thursday,.. I was finishing up some minor chores- started gazing off in thought... and what felt like hours later.. I found myself waking up on the floor, staring towards the ceiling, with a half a dozen blurry faces staring back at me as they came into focus. Quite creepy considering I didn't have the slightest idea how I got there.
I blacked-out, passed-out, or fainted. Whatever you prefer to call it. I prefer to call it 'fainting' cause it sounds more dramatic and implies that I fell down (to me) which was fitting for the way that I felt at the time.
What on earth makes a person faint? I asked the doctor almost 30 hours later having slept in an freakishly coma-like state until then. I only say 'doctor' because it was under strict recommendation from the nurses that work here in YWAM Perth that I go to one. A day later my face was still pale, my tongue white, and my whole being just feeling like the walking dead from lack of energy. The Doctor checked my heart-rate, vitals, and whatnot but with a sad puppy dog face shrugged his shoulders and he said "At this point I cant see anything wrong with you." At first I didn't believe him because it could have meant he just made a quick buck on a young-naive-tired-looking foreigner, but I gave him benefit-of-the-doubt enough to say "Don't worry, I know your just doing your job. Thanks."
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| "weight of the world"- to feel or be responsible for a burden of great great magnitude or weight. Matt and I during our walk. |
In the back of my mind, all I could think about was, how annoyed I was at sleeping all the time, how irritable I was - due to my need of sleep, AND how much stuff I needed to catch up on. A blog-update (previous post) -yep I was determined, budget up-date, you know basic personal responsibilities. Practical regular stuff one cant just sit aside.
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| Richard and his son Ollie. Photo Credit: Sidra Zimmerman. |
Anyway, after talking and crying out tears of frustration for a good chunk of time, he proposed that I do something purposeful for myself. Huh? Because we determined that "all this" MAY be from stress. When he actually said "Steph Im not suggesting, or asking you to do this, I am pretty-much telling you to do this."
I cried because I didn't want to do it. I laughed because at the same time because I knew thats what I needed to do.
To give you some background: When I became a Christian in my late teens it was an uphill battle for me to find the healthy coping skills to fight against my depression. Since -I have been told- Ive grown alot and have a lot to offer someone else carrying the same burden. But one thing that God has been speaking to me over and over lately has been "consistency, and balance, in line with His Character." Although I have been blind to that application being for me and not just the people and stuff around me. Funny huh? Familiar? "Yeah- yeah God I know what your saying....."-- Then off to attempt to apply it without fully swallowing the impact of the personal application of it.
ON top of the fact that I have let misconceptions of how I thought missionaries lived cloud the vision I have carried.
Just the 'Major' Lies about missionaries (I have told myself):
1.We suffer for our call, and that is a part of our call.
- this means that if we enjoy ourselves there must be an equal and opposite action or consequence on the radar. Carrying false guilt and even shame that isnt mine to carry
Example: Beautiful day with my husband followed sunset swimming in the ocean = Holding the hand of a pregnant homeless person that burdens your heart so much you cry yourself to sleep.
I claim it now this is NOT the kind of balance in my call that God has planned for me. If I have a good day - so be it. If I have a hard day - so be it. I dont have to "suffer" in order to live...
| Jhn 10:10 | The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. |
-this means that when writing family, friends, and people who have their lives pretty planned out, so should we... yes to carry the burden of that is pretty hard considering we dont know how long this season of our lives will be. Also we must know how to carry every responsibly of our 'job', because if we believe that God has all the answers and we have access to him we must know how to live, act, and react at all times.
ALL THE ANSWERS:
I have stumbled over my knowledge, been prideful in my heart, fallen like the first bike ride without training wheels because of my stupidity. Ive been the last to acknowledge I was wrong, first to stand up to fight, quick to get angry, slow to shut-up. BUT Thats ok. I know (now) that I am doing the best I can and I will never be perfect. Apologies can be accepted, bruises healed, and tender-heartedness brought back. I am ALLOWED to make mistakes, miss the mark completely, and forget whose team I'm on despite good intentions. As long as -at the end of the day.. Im bringing it back to the Cross and staying in check with those Im accountable. I need to give myself (and Matt ) room to grow.
| 1Ti 4:12 | Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. |
3. Ministry is sacrificial. If you are not sacrificing something you are sinning.
- this means 'If I am expected to walk a mile/km, I will walk at least two more', and if I do not I will feel false shame and guilt that I will have to make up for it tomorrow.
Example: I wont just get my project done but I will get it done 'in faith' earlier than expected, and better than expected. Or I will not just work an extra hour during my scheduled time.BUT more than necessary
Nope thats not my God.
| 1Sa 15:22 | But Samuel replied: "Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice. . ." |
| 2Jo 1:6 | And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. (this includes for YOURSELF) |
The burden is still bearing, but the weight is being lifted.
THANK YOU for your Friendship, Leadership, and Partnership. through your encouragement and prayers.
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Featured Christian Artist:
Musician that has really spoken to my heart in this time John Mark McMillan
Ten Thousand (another song):
Ten thousand glimmering like coals in our chest
Ball bearings drawn to the magnetic breath
Of ten thousand weeping with wings on their tears
Amidst ten thousand voices for ten thousand years
For ten thousand graves yawning unlocked and unlatched
Now ten thousand holes with rocks on their backs
Ten thousand tombs gaping wide singing the praise
Of ten thousand bodies unlaced and unlaid
As the ten thousand highways unfold their doors
For the ten thousand standing on Nineveh's shores
Where the blood of a husband silences wars
For the girl who rises to meet him
And she sings
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son
Ten thousand rivers
Run red like my veins
Where the bones of men hum
Like a rattling cage
For sinew to cling to
And wind to remain
In ten thousand lungs
For ten thousand days
Breathing like a choir
Of holes in the ground
Where the cynical have lain
Where the cynical go down
Save the gravity of time
Lets go of her drowned
Like ten thousand sparrows
Unlocked and unwound
As the ten thousand highways unfold their doors
For the ten thousand standing on Nineveh's shores
Where the blood of a husband silences wars
For the girl who rises to meet him
And she sings
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son
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